Apart from the obligatory phone call to convey our respects, and a few words at the funeral, some persons are not sure what to say to bereaved persons. Sometimes, in their discomfort, would-be comforters end up saying ‘the darndest things’. I usually just advise newly bereaved persons to anticipate the invariable stupid comments and try to forgive the poor person. At the other end of the scale are individuals, so terrified of saying or doing the wrong thing, they make elaborate efforts to avoid the griever. So, often, we end up with the awkward situation, so eloquently described by C.S. Lewis in ‘A Grief Observed’,
The following are some tips you may find helpful:
- Share a pleasant memory about their loved one. You probably will not be upsetting the bereaved person by mentioning the name of the deceased. Chances are that is exactly what they are thinking about anyway, and it is comforting to know that others remember them fondly.
- There is really very little you can say, that would make them feel better, and nothing you can do to take away the pain. Having gotten those expectations of yourself out of the way you are freed up to simply be present. Many grievers say they appreciated just receiving a hug.
- Listen. If the bereaved person feels like talking, this is a good time for supportive listening. Don’t try to jump in to make it better, and don’t chide them for expressing negative emotions. Especially in our Christian-focused society it is sometimes hard for grievers to express the challenges that their loss poses to their faith.
- Be alert for opportunities to offer practical assistance. Many newly bereaved persons find it hard to concentrate on everyday tasks like grocery shopping, housework or getting the car washed.
- Remember that anniversaries and holidays are an especially difficult time for the bereaved. A simple telephone call, text message or email can make such a difference to a person going through a low spell.
What not to say to someone who has lost a loved one
“I know how you feel.” One can never know how another may feel. You could, instead, ask your friend to tell you how he or she feels.
“It’s part of God’s plan.” This phrase can make people angry and they often respond with, “What plan? Nobody told me about any plan.”
“Look at what you have to be thankful for.” They know they have things to be thankful for, but right now they are not important.
“He’s in a better place now.” The bereaved may or may not believe this. Keep your beliefs to yourself unless asked.
“This is behind you now; it’s time to get on with your life.” Sometimes the bereaved are resistant to getting on with because they feel this means “forgetting” his or her loved one. In addition, moving on is easier said than done. Grief has a mind of its own and works at its own pace.
Statements that begin with “You should” or “You will.” These statements are too directive. Instead you could begin your comments with: “Have you thought about. . .” or “You might. . .”
Source: American Hospice Foundation
