“I thought I could describe a state; make a map of sorrow. Sorrow, however, turns out to be not a state but a process.”
― C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed
Grievers understand only too well the feeling expressed by Lewis. As we emerge through each low spell, hopeful that we have finally mastered our sorrow, an anniversary, a song, a fragrance brings back unbidden memories, and we are caught flat-footed in a wave of grief. Our frustration is compounded because society gives subtle hints about how long this should be taking, with friends and colleagues and even professionals weighing in on how long is normal.
The mourning process has been described by researchers in various ways—primarily as stages, phases, and tasks. One way in which the mourning process has traditionally been viewed is in terms of stages. In her first book ‘On Death and Dying’ in 1969 Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross described what she observed as the general stages of grief experienced by dying persons.
- Denial
- Anger
- Bargaining
- Depression
- Acceptance
These stages came to be widely adopted as the general progression of grief for bereaved persons, and often thought to occur in some sort of neat sequence. Three months into my own bereavement I remember being told by a therapist that I was coming along nicely as I now seemed to be in the acceptance stage. And there are still counselling professionals who are genuinely perplexed if you skip a stage.
Some grief theorists now describe a phase approach, with varying phases which may overlap, but which progress generally through: numbness, yearning, disorganization/disrepair, and then reorganization/re-entry.
In his landmark work, Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy, William Worden described the progression as the ‘tasks’ of grieving, an approach which has been adopted and adapted by other researchers who have added tasks based on their own observations.
While generally agreeing with the idea of the phases through which grievers go, Worden felt that the term ‘phases’ implied a certain passivity, as opposed to ‘tasks’ which implies that the mourner needs to take action and do something.
“In other words,” he explains, “the mourner may see the phases as something to be passed through, whereas the tasks approach can give the mourner some sense of leverage and hope that there is something that he or she can actively do to adapt to the death of a loved one.”
Worden describes the tasks as follows:
1.To accept the reality of the loss
2. To process the pain of grief
3. To adjust to a world without the deceased
4. To find an enduring connection with the deceased in the midst of embarking on a new life
Accepting the reality of the loss
Accepting the reality of the loss, says Worden, means coming face to face with the reality that the person is dead, that the person is gone and will not return. Part of the acceptance of this reality is coming to believe that reunion is impossible, at least in this life.
He notes, “Coming to an acceptance of the reality of the loss takes time since it involves not only an intellectual acceptance but also an emotional one. Many less experienced counsellors do not recognize this and focus too much on mere intellectual acceptance of the loss, overlooking emotional acceptance. The bereaved person may be intellectually aware of the finality of the loss long before the emotions allow full acceptance of the information as true.”
Processing the pain of grief
While most researchers agree that successful completion of this task is necessary for moving through the grief process, it is often the task that is most discouraged by our society. Worden explains:
“Society may be uncomfortable with the mourner’s feelings and hence may give the subtle message: ‘You don’t need to grieve—you are only feeling sorry for yourself.’ Platitudes—‘You are young and you can have another child,’ ‘Life is for the living and he wouldn’t want you to feel this way’—are frequently dispensed by others in an attempt to be helpful. These comments collude with the mourner’s own defenses, leading to the denial of the need to grieve, expressed as ‘I shouldn’t be feeling this way’.
One of the aims of grief counselling, says Worden, is to help people through this difficult second task so they don’t carry the pain with them throughout their lives. He notes, “If task II is not adequately addressed, therapy may be needed later on, at which point it can be more difficult for the person to go back and work through the pain he or she has been avoiding.” This pain, he says, could involve such feelings as anxiety, anger, guilt and depression, which could impact other areas of life if not adequately addressed.
Adjusting to a world without the deceased
After a death, the survivor tends to need to readjust internally, externally and spiritually, says Worden. He describes what is involved in each case:
External adjustments speak to the new roles that the survivor must take on in the world, some of which may have been previously held by the deceased person. Internal adjustments involve re-assessing one’s own sense of self, the exploration of ‘who am I now?’; while spiritual adjustment involves the work of finding meaning and a renewed sense of direction in life.
Finding an enduring connection with the deceased in the midst of embarking on a new life
This task involves the decision by the griever to open him or herself to the possibility of new relationships without seeing this as a betrayal of the deceased loved one. Worden shares the following story, “One teenage girl had an extremely difficult time adjusting to the death of her father. Two years later, as she began to move through the issues of task IV, she wrote a note to her mother from college that articulated what many people come to realize when they are grappling with emotional withdrawal and reinvestment: “There are other people to be loved,” she wrote, “and it doesn’t mean that I love Dad any less.”
As with any of the other approaches to observing the grieving process, Worden stresses that the tasks should not be seen as a fixed progression, as various tasks can be revisited and worked through again and again over time.
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